45 Minute Thoughts

Off to visit the jolly ole Dr. Claus in a bit. Last appointment we spent the hour running down the long list of prescription narcotics and other fun stuff that's lived in my medicine cabinets in the years surrounding my surgery. I think I was probably more surprised than he when I began making that list and checking it twice.

I'm in one of those inexplicable anxiety moments, as is customary before an appointment to spill more of my guts and expose that tender under-belly that most would be shocked to know I have. Perhaps, perhaps not. Of course, anxiety strikes at other random times as well, with or without a good reason, preferably without of course, which leads dirrectly to worries and questions about my own sanity and obvious impending doom. Okay, so perhaps I'm exagerating, perhaps not.

So in these moments - thoughts, efforts, concentration, focus, priorities, deeds, common sense, whatever - all scatter like rodents at a warehouse cheese party when the ligths come on. And then I have to go chase them down, all these rats of neccessity, and that really takes a lot out of a person you know, catching rats. And well, it's really hard to make sense of one without the others, so I find myself running about catching one, dropping one, finding another and so on.

I catch a Thought of a Deed which is a Priority, but just don't have the Focus to Concentrate and so all Efforts are completely in vain as I simply cannot find Common Sense. --Or something like that. (Hard to build analogies on such abstract riddles.)

It's exhausting and paralyzing. As if someone took the big library of my brain and shook it up like a giant snowglobe and I can't find a fucking thing, fragments bouncing about directionless, compounded by some element of adult ADD or because of, and changing with the winds and turning on a dime, like some greesy couch potato channel surfing through the television of my mind...

No, thank God, this is not the moment I live in eternally, just one of the more 'pleasant' side effects of being a sober single mom I think... and then some.

The continuous momentum of cause and effect in the life of whoever I am.

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"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."
--R. D. Lang